As we enter the season of gratitude, we are surrounded by the loved ones who have shaped us into who we are. We are reflections of the people around us, and children are no different. It’s crucial that grown-ups provide children with the space to discover their place within their community. Encouraging a child to discover their sense of self is a way to help them understand who they are and how they see and connect with the world and people around them.
Identity: Individual and Social
Identity can be discussed in many ways, but I want to talk about two helpful ways we can understand identity in relation to children:
- Individual identity: This is how a child defines themselves as an individual. A child can focus on their unique characteristics and attributes that make them who they are.This can be expressed through their favorite color, the books they want read over and over to them, and the interest they can’t seem to let go of In 1989, the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child recognized children as capable members of society, highlighting that they can—and should—have an influence on the world around them.
- Social identity: This is how a person defines themselves within a group. A child’s sense of self is shaped by their social and cultural context, beginning with their immediate family or caregivers. As they grow older, new aspects of their identity will be inspired by peers from school, future co-workers, and, with the rise in social media, influences on the internet.
Often, adults don't realize the profound impact they have on a identity. Children can be attuned to the emotional signals from those around them. They might notice when caregivers express love, appreciation, happiness, or, conversely, rejection and disappointment.
A child might notice that when they clean up their toys, their caregiver shows appreciation. This could motivate them to help with chores around the house. Conversely, a child might notice that when they are too loud, their parent becomes angry or irritated. This could cause a child to feel that being vocal is a negative trait, encouraging them to suppress their voice in the future. Children can soak up feelings like sponges,even when adults try to mask their feelings.
Confidence and Learning
Children thrive when they feel confident in who they are, especially in educational settings. When children feel secure in their identity, they are more likely to engage openly in learning. If they are unsure of themselves, it can be harder for them to fully participate. If a child who is confident at home seems to shrink in new situations, it could be because they are trying to find their footing—figuring out where they belong within the new framework.
Listening to Children and Self-Advocacy
Another important aspect of fostering a child’s sense of self is allowing them to become active participants in their community. Grown-ups can listen to children when they express who they do want to spend time with. We can arrange playdates with the child they talk about often or send artwork they create to family members they miss. It is equally important to listen to children when they express apprehension about spending time with certain people. If they feel anxious about a cousin who picks on them or are uncomfortable hugging unfamiliar adults, adults can listen to those thoughts. Caregivers are advocates for their children. They can speak to other grown-ups on behalf of their children or can encourage them to speak up for themselves.
One way to empower your child is by practicing body boundaries. Many Americans grew up in a culture that emphasized politeness, leading to uncomfortable interactions like unwanted cheek kisses and a dysregulated child. We were taught that saying “no” was rude, which contributed to a generation's tendency toward people-pleasing. It’s important to teach children that “No!” is a full sentence. They can say “no” to physical contact boundaries, and that it is perfectly okay to set those boundaries. This could be practiced through role-playing with children. These simple yet powerful moments help children with the tools the may need to navigate social interactions with confidence, whether at home or in the broader community.
The Power of Play
Play is the cornerstone of early childhood development. Families of children who struggle with change can use pretend play to practice staying in a new place when traveling for the holidays.It can help grown-ups understand children’s anxieties and excitement, as well as manage their expectations. When children have practiced navigating feelings in play, those emotions feel less overwhelming in real life. If you're planning to stay somewhere for an extended period during the holidays, it could be helpful to practice a family sleepover, even just in the living room can help ease some bed time anxiety.
Recognizing Your Child's Role in the Community
It’s important to highlight the unique role your child plays in your community, while also acknowledging the specific qualities that make them who they are. In 1989, the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child recognized children as capable members of society, highlighting that they can—and should—have an influence on the world around them. For example, a parent might say to their child, “I noticed that you shared your toys and sang your sister a song today. You're such a thoughtful sibling.” Finding small, one-on-one tasks they enjoy can also foster a sense of individuality. Even though time is precious, carving out moments for individual attention can make a significant difference in your child's development.
It can also be incredibly empowering to give children the opportunity to give back to their community. Some things a child can do to give back include donating old clothes to organizations who give them to those in need, walking dogs at a local animal shelter, or visiting nursing homes to do crafts with the elderly. Not only are these opportunities enriching for others, children are learning about who they are in relation to the world around them. A child can develop confidence when they realize how much of a difference they can make.
Appreciating Your Community
Families can take time to reflect on the communities they are part of and how they relate to a child’s experience. These might include family, school, neighborhood, or spiritual and cultural communities. A simple comparison like this can help children understand their place in the broader web of connections:
“I’m your parent, I am also Grandma’s son, and Auntie Jen’s brother, which makes me Salina’s Uncle”, talk about different connections and how you and your child are connected to someone or something. Family trees don’t just need to be for school! Find stickers or print pictures to create a community tree for your child as a physical representation of the people that reflect them.
Celebrating these connections helps instill values of empathy and compassion. Bake cookies for your neighbors or send holiday cards to extended family. These small actions teach children the importance of kindness and foster a sense of belonging.
Encouraging children to explore their role within their community and to develop a sense of place not only shapes their identity but also helps them understand how they can contribute to the world around them. As we move forward into the season of gratitude, let us remember the profound impact our relationships have on each child’s journey. By building stronger, more supportive communities, we can ensure that every child feels seen, heard, and valued, helping them grow into engaged, empathetic members of society.